|Available to work as a minister|
Dynamic individual, often seen scaling trees and crushing ice. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike tuba playing and can cook 30 minute meals in 20. I’m an expert on stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. With only a bamboo shoot and a bowl of rice, I once defended a small village in Cambodia from a horde of ferocious army ants. I pilot stationary bikes up inclines w/amazing precision and on occasion, I’ll tread water for days at a time for no reason. I’ve been known to remodel jet engines during lunch. I translate ethnic slurs for refugees, write award-winning plays and manage time well. I play bluegrass harp solos, was scouted by the Cubs and am currently the subject of numerous autobiographies. I enjoy skinny surfing. On Wednesdays, I do household repairs for the homeless, free of charge. I’m an abstract thinker, a drywall analyst and a crude bookie. Critics swoon over my new line of corduroy lingerie. I don’t perspire. A private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. My lifetime batting average is .450. My floral designs have earned international fame in botany circles. I can hurl golf clubs with deadly accuracy. Once read War and Peace, Cat in the Hat, and David Copperfield in one day still having time to remodel the garage in the evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I know were Jimmy Hoffa is buried. On weekends I perform covert operations for the CIA. The laws of physics do not apply to me. To let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami (Japanese art of paper folding). Recently discovered the meaning of life, yet can’t seem to recall it at this moment. I make extraordinary 3 course meals using only a microwave and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I’ve won bullfights in Brazil, cliff diving contests in Sri Lanka, and 3 spelling bees at the Kremlin. I’ve played Hamlet, performed kidney surgery, and recently spoke with Elvis. Any questions?